Job Searching Adventure and Weird Memories
After job searching and job hopping non- stop for these past two years, I finally landed a job as an Account cum Admin Assistant in the F&B industry. However, I am facing the same stress of leaving the house and sitting in a setting I considered as uncomfortable and foreign to me. Not to mention working really reminds me of going to school. The weirdly painful memories of being in school creeps into my mind before leaving the house and mess with my brain while working. Constant feeling of being perceived, intense stress of being close to others also have me questioning myself what is wrong because I don't actually experience anxiety the same way I used to be.
And guess what? There's only two people including myself in the current office. Still, I couldn't stop those negative thoughts from controlling my mind.
Minus the uncontrollable nervousness, this are what my thoughts are:
"She must be secretly thinks I am useless."
"I suck at this, she must be laughing at me!"
"Before she rejects my existence, I must not be too close to her."
"I am useless."
As if all the time, I am expecting others to be constantly ready to laugh and joke about my mistakes and existence.
A lot have happened since then and that leads to my stay at the psychiatric hospital for three days. And I guess I have been laid off (kind of) because my employer told me to resume work around June after the company's relocation to a new factory. I was also told that it's okay for me to continue my job search in the meanwhile. So, I guess the chance of they welcoming me back is kind of 50/50.
In the meantime, I have gone back to being unemployed again.
Crafting, Blogging & Slow Walking
Lately I have been trying to occupy my mind with something else. With the suggestion from the Occupational Therapist during my stay at the hospital, I tried to sleep less and spend time crafting instead. It probably helps lessen my parent's worries as well.
My energy level has also been getting better this couple of days. I have been going to our local park to take a stroll. I have been trying to update my blog (emphasis on TRIED) but I have yet to completely come out of this brain fog. And I struggled really hard not to be too harsh on myself as I'm writing this. Hopefully I am able to complete this blog post.
Selling on Kofi
Being so desperately in need to be useful and of course needing the money, I have turn to creating digital products and digital wallpaper. I've put those on sale on Kofi and hoped for the best. However it's not an easy things to do. And I still have a lot to improve in term of design. I'm not sure if anyone is aware, but I have been posting my arts on Instagram.
Seeing other artists who make a living with their art gives me some hope to maybe start my own art or craft business someday. I have some ideas of what to create but I'm having a rough time to actually doing it. It's probably a skill issue of mine which I am greatly motivated to improve. In the meantime, I'll try my very best to learn from my mom how to crochet.
I guess that's all for this post, I hope that everyone who stumble across my blog will find happiness in their life 💟
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